Become a Sustainavore!

Eat for your health, the planet, and your values.

Become a Sustainavore!

Eat for your health, the planet, and your values.

Building a Bubble

I’ve always had a very hard time watching scary movies. Whatever violence is happening on screen feels like it’s actually happening to me. As soon as something bad starts to happen, my heart races, and I start sweating and shaking. My kids (ages 10 and 12) have to tell me when to leave the room during specific scenes that they know will upset me. I tend take on my friend’s problems and become overly invested in solving them. I also am this way when I hear about the issues facing farm workers, garment workers, or anyone who suffers harsh conditions to produce items I use/consume on a daily basis. I recently told a friend that I wished I could take a “complacency pill” so that I wouldn’t care so much when I see things that upset and outrage me.

Today is the last day of my dietetic internship in order to complete my RD (Registered Dietitian) credential. A few months ago, I wrote a post about my clinical rotation. Since then, there’s been a lot more death. The final rotation in the nursing home was the worst. It’s not that the people who worked there were bad; they were very nice, and I’m sure it was a very decent nursing home. It’s just incredibly hard for me to see and smell human death on a daily basis. I can feel their pain. As a “real food nutritionist”, there’s nothing I can do. I can offer them some liquid supplements, maybe ask the doctors to add in a vitamin to their long list of medications, but that’s about it. I spent the rotation with my eyes glazed over. Each day I would basically hold my breath and wait for it to be over. I really hope to never end up in a place like that as a patient, and I could never work there on a full time basis as a nutritionist.

The one thing I’ve noticed about everyone who works in hospitals and nursing homes is that they have fantastic boundaries. It’s like they have invisible force fields around them that prevent them from internalizing what they’re seeing. I don’t know how to do this. I didn’t take a class on how to build this force field. I’m really bad at boundaries.

Not having a bubble is not a good thing. I’m a very open person who easily trusts and believes others. When I have a nutrition client, I pour all of my energy into them. I’m handing them a life preserver and pulling them on the boat. I’m crushed when they choose not to hold on.

This internship has been a huge stress in other ways. My husband has picked up a lot of slack, but it’s still super hard. I haven’t been able to take care of myself or cook as much as I normally do. Cooking from scratch is hard. Cooking from scratch with kids is harder. Add in a full time job that I’m not getting paid for (I’m actually paying a lot for this internship) plus a commute, homework for school, maintain podcasts, a blog, social media (and all the idiots who pick fights with me there) = I’ve burnt out. I haven’t been exercising enough. I haven’t been sleeping well.

I’ve been questioning everything.

This morning while flipping through social media, a meme caught my eye. “If you’re still alive, you’re not done”. I know it sounds cheesy to be moved by memes, but this one actually got to me. I went back to try to find it and I couldn’t. Thank you, whoever you are.

I’m trying to look forward to working on new projects. I’m rethinking my focus. I’m looking forward to the growing season and to getting some sun on my skin. I’ll write a final recap on my experience getting my RD once I’m completely done. Meanwhile, I’ll be surrounding myself with life, cooking, walking, sleeping, spending time with my kids, studying for my final exam, and learning how to build a bubble.

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7 thoughts on “Building a Bubble”

  1. Powerful post! Always tough to find that balance between being open and receptive to others’ pain and being closed-off enough to be able to block it out so we can function. I don’t work in a field with a lot of death, but definitely am surrounded by a lot of drama in my family and among students at the University of Vermont.

  2. Have you heard of the term “empath,” Diana? I think you’re in our club. It’s a tough place to be, but ultimately, the best humans I know don’t have super-thick skin. I have faith that you’ll make it through this season with grace and that you’ll keep impacting the world in amazing ways. Thank you for sharing about your experience.

  3. I’m a nurse but had to leave the profession for the same reasons you noted. It was just too emotionally, spiritually, physically exhausting. I felt like I carried home each patient’s pain and suffering with me each night. I went back to business, which is hard, but a totally manageable kind of hard. I pray I never end up in a nursing home, and am trusting that the health I’m cultivating today through healthy eating and exercise will pay dividends when I’m older. It’d be cool to think about opening a different kind of nursing home where people eat well and cared for in ways that actually sustain life.

  4. Thank you for sharing such a deep, heartfelt, and vulnerable post. I feel you. 100%. I’m a physician assistant who clearly has trouble with boundaries too (although it never occurred to me until reading this post). I’ve found that most of my patients come to me expecting me to “fix them” with some sort of miracle pill or magic wand. But those things don’t exist. Instead, what I have to offer them is guidance, advice, and oversight to help them heal themselves or at least improve their situation. I too feel like I pour my heart and soul into helping them help themselves, and then I’m baffled, confused, and crushed when they continue to choose self sabotage because “it’s too hard to change”. I need a bubble too. I’m not sure how to develope one, but reading this post and knowing I’m not alone is therapeutic in itself. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. Caroline Nowveryhappy

    It is refreshing and heartening to read such an open and honest post. I struggled with this issue over the years and my problem was witnessing animal suffering and abuse. In ‘conventional’ farming there is many people who treat their livestock badly and I was a part of this operation tied by marriage and business obligation.I made the wrong decision to block my emotions to it which meant blocking all emotions but over time I realised that having no ‘feelings’ was almost worse than deeply resonating with suffering. I took the difficult decision to destroy my family unit and leave this situation but have had to develop new techniques to feel again ‘safely’. I concentrate on remembering that it’s not possible or right that humans should feel others pain. In native cultures we did not know what happened beyond our boundaries and it wasn’t ‘wrong’ for them to not know or care what other were doing. I think of it like that. In a world where we are expected to know everything about every country and subject in the world we are reaching emotional overwhelm. I think it’s better to accept that you only have a small circle of influence and control and to concentrate on doing a FANTASTIC job within that. Let yourself off the hook regarding the rest. I no longer listen to the general news or politics and pay little attention to much outside my area of expertise and interest It’s not that I don’t care about other things but to understand them thoroughly takes time and energy. I save my energy for my passions and hope to make a REAL difference in the world – the other option is to become bitter, overwhelmed and ineffective. I look at the ‘other’ bad things around me and try to imagine them as if it’s on a screen or in the distance with no sound and colour. I also use a mantra used in ho’oponopono to release in any really sticky pain. Letting yourself ‘off the hook’ will make a huge difference in how you show up for your loved ones and for the people in the world you are in the best position to help.

  7. Pingback: [BLOCKED BY STBV] How I Became a Real Food Nutritionist - Sustainable DishSustainable Dish

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